have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
