Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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