I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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