He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
