it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
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