sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize