you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
