I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
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