just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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