Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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