When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My feet surprised me
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
