His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
