i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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