i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
