Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
