There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
