This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
