i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize