She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
