Even the bartender felt bad for me
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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