I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
