Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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