dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
