I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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