Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
