he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
