My sheets look like a crime scene.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
