when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
