my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
