If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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