how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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