Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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