Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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