did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
