I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I believe in your delicious
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
