the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The uberlube is also flammable
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
