I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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