would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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