I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
