my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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