My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
