Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
