Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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