Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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