I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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