Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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