i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
