Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
