I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
