I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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