Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
