did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
