I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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