So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize