The maid of honor just puked.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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