Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
my being single is dangerous.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
