did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
