Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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