Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize