forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
