You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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