Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
