Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
