I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
